Should I Shave My Head?
Dramatic actions need to be taken
I have a serious problem.
Since my breakup last May, I’ve found myself vowing—more than once—to stay single for at least three months, thinking it would give me the space I need to heal and figure out what I truly want.
Three little months, that’s it.
And yet, that goal has evaded me time and again.
When I say ‘single,’ I mean single single. No boys on the roster. No flirtations. No flings. No male attention whatsoever.
Sounds easy—but trust me, it’s a million times harder than you’d think.
Like clockwork, whenever I finally brand myself with the “single” label, some guy comes along and grabs my attention within about 48 hours.
I can’t decide if the universe is playing some sort of cruel joke on me or if it’s testing me.
Maybe a little bit of both.
Last week, while lamenting to a friend about my inability to stay unattached, he jokingly quipped, “Maybe you should just shave your head. You’ll get a lot less attention.”
My first reaction was to let out a sarcastic laugh.
My second reaction was to seriously consider it.
In my mind, something drastic needed to happen in order to be able to uphold this promise to myself. After all, relying on my willpower has consistently failed me.
Obviously, shaving my head is ridiculous and is unlikely to solve the problem (I’m sure a guy who’s into that look will be drawn to me within the aforementioned 48-hour period).
What I really need is a new story about myself. A story about how I’m good at staying single. A story about the exciting single-girl-summer I can have.
Now, I just need a little bit of faith that this new story thing will pan out.
You are treading into waters, whose shelf drops away drastically, and will force you to swim or sink, but is the one best way to learn to swim.
I had an advice blog for a couple of years, years ago and one of several repeating topics was the rebound relationship/situationship/hook-up.
And like many trying to find the magic tool, formula or gimmick to escape this repeating cycle, you are sweeping the shallows, in hopes of finding that oyster, carrying the miracle pearl.
I have no doubt you understand that rebounds have nothing to do with the universe, karma, the "boys" who are attracted to you or just bad luck - I hope you know it has everything to do with you and unmet needs, gaps and voids, that are trying to be filled with each subsequent person and pairing. And as the number of rebounds grows, so do the depth and number of those voids and gaps.
So why would a gimmick like shaving your head be a bad idea - for the same reason that going on a water diet, to fit in a dress for an event, is not just a deluded exercise, but only amplifies the underlying issues, after the event.
You are correct, there needs to be space between relationships - and while everyone is different - the widely agreed upon timespan is a year.
In that time of no intimate relationships (read familiar and comfortable co-dependence), you look back and understand where the last one went wrong and the part you played - and you did play a part - but more importantly your underlying issues that drove your choices and decisions from the first "hello" to the last "goodbye".
All our choices have drivers and most of the time those are rooted in our childhoods - don't necessarily have to be traumatic or abusive.
You also must define who you are now, past the latest relationship, because you are not and will never be the same as the person who went into it - especially if it was manipulative or abusive.
You then need to use those two building blocks to define who you are and want to be in 5, 10, 20 years. Yes, that will change, but by your choices, not another's. If you don't know or have an idea of where you're going (mental, physical, emotional) you will always be led where others want you to go. Men can smell this lack of direction a mile away and will steer you into waters that feed his needs, wants, goals and voids, not yours.
Once you've figured out who you are, who you want to be and where you are going, you then establish your bottom lines. What you will tolerate and not tolerate, how you will demand (via your choices) to be treated, spoken to, regarded, respected and loved. If you have no idea of these things, then you will accept anything, that even remotely speaks to those voids in you.
Past that, you then start practicing the vetting of men, with platonic friends - sex/intimacy is still off the table here. You do this to understand and see how sex short circuits the process of a man seeing you as more than - pardon the vulgarity here - three holes and a set of breasts. Women have no concept of the low bar they set on their worth, when they jump into sex on the first week or few months of dating. You literally show him what you think your worth is. That worth is body parts and friction, not your mind, ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, passions, interests, beliefs, plans and more. This platonic exercise also teaches you, to see yourself not as a sexual object for consumption, but a woman that is more than the sum of her body parts to men and what those men who recognize that, look and act like.
Once you master that step, then and only then, is it time to look for men who can grasp the value of you and put his physical desire and lust aside, to discover that woman. You will already know what that does and doesn't look like.
3 months is a delusional time frame to do this work (no offense) and after 5 or ten rebounds, there's much more work to be done, to reach a place of equilibrium again.
Keep the hair but pick up the more serious and mature tools of real introspection and work, if you want to save yourself decades of this empty spiral.
Last thing - In the blog I routinely heard from women in their 50's, who'd been in this cycle their entire adult lives and were hurt, empty, confused, alone and/or depressed and hopeless. No need for that future - for anyone - but the work has to be done.
I know this was unsolicited, so apologies for the advice book.
Best of luck.
NOOOOO!!!!